Lesson 4 - The Atonement is Real

This is a very difficult post for me to write.  I think mostly because the Atonement has been such a deeply personal thing for me in my life, but also because I have not really publicly spoken about this particular experience with it.  Please note before you read further that these things are very sacred to me.  I only share them now because I feel it is what the Lord would have me do.  I believe that experiences we have can benefit so many others if we share when we feel prompted to.  This is one of those times.

I feel that I should start at the beginning.

I have tried to live close to the Lord all of my life, so that when He speaks to me, I can not only hear Him, but act on what He tells me.  I like to think I have done my best at that.  Certainly not perfect at it, but I've done my best.

So, when I felt the prompting to go to the Singles' Ward in January of 2009, I didn't like the idea, but I went anyway.  Now keep in mind that I had already done the Single's Ward scene, and it was way too much drama for my taste.  But this kick in the spiritual pants was not to be ignored.  My second week attending, I met a young man named Dan.  I tried to brush off the series of encounters, but after a couple of weeks of being around him, I couldn't deny that my feelings for him had grown.

We were planning a date on a Wednesday night in February 2009, and the day before I had a very special experience.  Without going into detail, I saw him in a very spiritual light, and knew what kind of a man he was at his core.  I knew without a doubt that I loved him, and that we had a very deep spiritual connection.

Well, our date night came, and we sat in the car at the park, planning to go and join a medieval reenactment group for our activity.  But the conversation turned to things more serious, and we never did get out of the car.  That night, Dan told me that he struggled with a pornography addiction.

He had first been introduced by a school friend back in Junior High, and it had grown into an obsession since then.  He had worked with counselors and bishops, but the addiction still held fast.  He hesitated telling me this, because his previous experiences had taught him that this conversation usually ended the relationship.  Still, he felt he needed to be completely up front and honest with me because he loved me, and wanted me to have the choice of whether or not to continue our relationship.

Truthfully, if not for that previous night's spiritual experience, I would have said goodbye and never looked back.  But I knew the man that Dan was deep inside, and I wanted desperately for him to see himself that way, too.  So, I told him of my feelings and that I would be willing to work with him as much as I could.  The only condition was that Dan really do his best to fight the addiction.

Our date nights weren't all that creative from then on... we went to addiction recovery meetings and bishop appointments together.  We read scriptures and prayed together.  Still, the change was slow.  We got engaged, and once the wedding date was set, Dan had a deadline to be clean that he HAD to keep, or we wouldn't be able to marry in the temple.

I am happy to report that we made it to the temple, and Dan was able to abstain from pornography for the prescribed amount of time.  Sometimes, it seemed as if I was the only one who had faith that he could do it.  Dan's bishop was cautiously optimistic, and both of our families urged us to have a contingency plan, just in case.  But we plowed ahead, and through God's grace were able to make our wedding date with no changes.  We were wed in the Las Vegas temple on October 17, 2009.

The months that followed our wedding were full of challenges, but I was happy that pornography wasn't one of them.  We suffered devastating loss after loss through miscarriages, and money was very thin on the ground.  Yet, we survived, and our love deepened as we faced the trials together.

There was something that kept feeling "off" to me, but I dismissed it as just something I was making up.  This feeling continued, and late one night, I finally learned why.  It was 3 am on July 21, 2011.  I was an emotional wreck at the time, having just lost twins a couple of months prior.  I felt numb to all things spiritual at the time, and was simply mindlessly surfing the internet because I couldn't sleep.  As I typed a web address into the address bar, something popped up that caught my attention.  It was a very crude website address.  Thinking it must be a mistake, I pulled up the internet history to see why it would make that suggestion.  Perhaps it was a spam site that had come up for Dan before.  I thought for sure that was it.

But, it wasn't.  Far from it.  As I scrolled through days, weeks and months of internet history, the names of the sites I read made my stomach churn.  As it went back into 2010, I just stopped scrolling.  The reality of what this meant hit me like a ton of bricks.  I felt sick.  I felt angry!  I felt betrayed.  Our whole marriage had been a lie.  I wanted answers, but I also wanted to be alone.  I wanted to rant and yell, but I couldn't make myself say anything.  I sat at the computer for an hour, crying.  I wasn't going to wake Dan up, I planned to just confront him in the morning.  But after sitting there for a while, I knew I needed to wake him up.

He was startled when I came in and turned on all of the lights at such an early hour.  It took him a minute to register when I told him I had just seen the internet history, and asked if he had anything to say for himself.

He sat there, head hung in shame, and whispered, "I wanted to get caught."  He went on to explain that he had deliberately not cleared the history because he wanted me to know that he had gone back to his pornography addiction.  He knew he needed help, but couldn't ask.  Somehow, he convinced me that he and I could handle it on our own, that with my help and support, he could overcome the addiction.  I am sad to say that I let that lie rule our lives for several months.  Our whole marriage, he had put on a very convincing facade of being the spiritual head of our home.  I hadn't listened to my gut feelings for so long, even I was convinced that somehow he was more spiritually in tune than I was.

Relapse and apology became the new normal.  Dan excused everything with his addiction.  He wasn't working enough to support our family, and I was getting so frustrated.  I finally had enough in March of 2012.  I gave him an ultimatum.  It was either me or the porn, and unless he went to the bishop and got some help, I was moving out.

It was one of the hardest trips to the bishop ever.  At his request, I went with Dan to the appointment.  As Dan surrendered his temple recommend, our bishop probed into the nature of his addiction, and reason for coming to see him.  Then, he told us of a program that could help.  It was called LifeSTAR, and if Dan would commit to completing their program, the bishop would help us cover the cost.  I learned that it was not just a program for addicts, but for their spouses.

In the program we went through before our marriage, this was something that wasn't covered.  Somehow, I, as a fiance, was lost in the process.  It was all about the addict, but never about the significant other.  As we went to our first meeting together, I began to glimpse how important this difference was.

It was a rough start to the program, as Dan had just started his new job with ADT Security, and was under a lot of stress with the training.  We had just moved to another home in our same ward, and it seemed as if everything was changing.  But we had committed to the program, so we went each week to our meeting.

At first, we met together as men and women, but after the first six weeks were over, we separated into men and women's groups.  Being a private person, it was very difficult for me to trust the other women, but as we went on, our similar experiences helped us form a kinship.  While Dan's group explored the reasons for addiction, and provided tools to replace addiction with healthy behaviors, my group learned how to set healthy boundaries and protect ourselves from being further emotionally injured by the addiction.

I won't get into the nitty gritty of the program, just that it was a very in depth and thorough process of looking at the sexual addiction from all angles - Dan took a very deep look at his past, and began to understand why he turned to pornography in the first place.

It has been 2 years since our first LifeSTAR meeting.  Dan finished the program, and I am very pleased to report that he has been clean and free from pornography for a year and a half.  Trust is still being rebuilt, but we are in a far better place than we ever have been.  I have learned to trust my gut feeling - it is hardly ever wrong.  And in trusting myself, I am able to be more in tune with what the Lord wants me to do.

Through the experience, I marveled that I could love Dan so much even with all of the pain he had caused.  I know that those feelings could only come from the Lord, and the mercy of the Atonement.  It is for experiences like this that Christ suffered in Gethsemane and gave up His life on the Cross.  As Dan and I have journeyed together, I know that we have been upheld by the grace of God.  I know that the forgiveness I have felt both for Dan, and for myself are the fruits of that infinite gift.

I KNOW that Jesus Christ paid the price for our sins.  Not only that, He has felt all of our grief and sorrows.  There is nothing we can experience here on earth that He does not understand.  He is truly our Savior.

Lesson 3 - Look for the Joy

Few things in life give me greater pleasure than to work in the garden and see things come alive.  After a few years of living in apartments with limited space for such things, my husband and I have finally come to live in an actual house with a large yard.  Of course, my budget isn't nearly as big as my plans, but I have finally been able to start my Spring planting.

So far, we have had the usual fickle Northern Utah kind of weather - warm days, followed by very cold days with rain and hail, immediately followed by another warm spell, topped off with a hard freeze warning.  I have learned in my time here that most things can't be planted until after Mother's Day.  But, there are some things that don't seem to mind the crazy weather at all.

Having a young son does limit the time I am able to spend outside playing in the dirt, but it also seems to make that time all the more pleasurable.

One of my other hobbies is photography.  Since having our son, James, it gives me even greater joy to try and capture the everyday wonders he experiences.  I don't think I really noticed how fast life can go by until I had him.  Now, I marvel at how each day seems to fly, counting his time on earth in days, then weeks, then months.  How quickly he will grow up and have adventures without me there!

Despite the fast pace our world lives in, I have learned to look for the joy in the small things.  Whether it be stealing a few minutes to plant some seeds, observing the house wrens bouncing from dandelion stalk to dandelion stalk in the yard, watching James master some new skill, or simply noticing how wonderful it is to have my head on my pillow at night, it has become a habit of mine to take time to just be in the moment.  And honestly, how do we know how many moments we have left to enjoy?

Lesson 2 - Have Faith

Last week for Family Home Evening, I felt impressed to give the lesson based on a talk that I remembered from General Conference about 10 years ago. It was called "But if Not" by Elder Simmons of the Seventy. It is amazing what seems to stick with you, but looking back on what I was going through at the time, I shouldn't be surprised.

April of 2004 was right in the thick of some really difficult personal challenges for me. I was planning to attend college at Weber State University, and had been accepted as a pre-med student. At that time, I worked at Quest Diagnostics in the Histology department. A colleague of mine was working to get me a job at her old place of employment, Ogden Regional Medical Center, in their Histology department, so I could help work and go to school. Also at that time, I was going to many doctors trying to figure out what was going on with my body. I was having headaches, muscle weakness, memory and speech difficulties, among other things. I had seen many specialists, and it finally seemed that the answer was Multiple Sclerosis. I was also hoping to be able to go to the temple, which my bishop said no to, because I was neither getting married, nor going on a mission.

Now, with all of that going on, this talk spoke of Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego. They were faced with the choice of worshipping a golden idol, set up by their Babylonian captors' King, or face death in a fiery furnace. They resisted idol worship, asserting their faith that God would deliver them... But if not, they still would not worship the golden idol.

This message caught my ear. I had faith that God could heal my body, and make it possible for me to attend college like I had hoped, prayed and desired. I had faith that he could change my bishop's mind about my temple endowment. I had faith that my savings could be replenished (that had been spent on medical bills, instead of college as I had planned), so that I could attend school with minimal debt. I had faith in all of these things... But would I still have faith, even if none of these things came to pass?

Though Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego were delivered from the furnace in a miraculous way, I did not fare so well. I lost my job in May of that year, I never did make it to college, my body was not healed, and I still do not have much money in savings. But, I do have faith in the Lord. As my faith has been tested, I have learned something about myself in the process. I have discovered that my faith has grown out of that childish bravado that all will be as hoped for, and I am learning that God has a much better plan. I have learned that I do have faith in His Plan and His Timing.

Lesson 1 - Prayers are Answered

Prayers are answered.  Even though we may not always get what we ask for, we always get what we need.

At the time, I didn’t know it would be the end of my mission.  I wanted nothing more than to continue serving, despite a multitude of health challenges.  What later proved to be Multiple Sclerosis, was a formidable challenge to me as I tried so hard to meet the rigors of the full time missionary schedule.  So many adjustments needed to be made for me, that I finally realized that I was not only holding my companion back, but I was damaging my health, also.

It was after I had a blessing which promised me “the desires of my heart,” that I took courage and thought that the Lord was going to bless and heal me so that I could continue to serve as a full time missionary.  I came to understand later that the true desire of my heart was to do what the Lord wanted me to do – and the Lord wanted me to go home.

I struggled for many months after my release, wondering if my service even counted.  If the Lord didn’t even want me to work for Him, what good could I possibly do for anyone else?  Surely if I couldn’t work for the Lord, I couldn’t work for anyone else.

I wallowed in self pity for a time before an epiphany moment happened one day while reading my patriarchal blessing.  In it, I was reminded that the Lord loved me, that I had a special mission to do.

I had followed the promptings that I had received, went on a mission, and did the very best that I was able to do.  Then, I followed another prompting that had told me to go home.  My prayers were answered – not with the blessing of miraculous healing, but with the assurance that my offering had been accepted by the Lord.

Years later, many of my prayers have been answered in the way I asked for, but even more have been answered in the way that the Lord needed them to be.

One such prayer was when I was in my first pregnancy – expecting twins.  So much excitement and anticipation were on my mind.  Of course, I prayed that I would have a healthy pregnancy and that everything would be well.

But, after a doctor visit and ultrasound, we discovered that I had miscarried.  My husband and I were devastated.

The shock, the grief, the pain – it was almost too much for me to bear.  I prayed for understanding, for guidance, for comfort.  But the heavens were silent.

Months and another miscarriage later, I finally received the comfort that I needed: the burning feeling that all of my losses would be made up, that I was loved, and that there was a purpose for the lives of my children, and for mine.

Despite all of the pain, I still know that God does answer prayers.  I may not always ask the right questions, but Heavenly Father has always given me the right answers.

“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

“In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.”  (Proverbs 3:5-6)

We are limited in sight by the veil, and our own mortal comprehension.  There is much that we have yet to learn here. 

In the past few years, my own understanding has increased through many choice experiences, and through much trial and tribulation.  With each test, I realize further how much I truly don’t know. 

These were two lessons in what would be a long line of them to illustrate my willingness to trust in God, even though the ultimate result wasn't what I was expecting or hoping for.  I learned that no experience is wasted, and it teaches us things about ourselves and can even help others on their own paths.

It was a demonstration to me that I had the faith to follow wherever God would lead, even if it wasn't the destination I envisioned – it was always the best place for me to be.

It’s amazing how when the Lord lets us in on His plan for our life, it is always better than what we come up with on our own.

Although we don’t always understand what the plan will eventually turn out to be, it can be a great blessing to ourselves, and others when we follow what the Lord would have us do.

Waiting on the Lord’s timing is perhaps the most challenging thing that we can experience.  God sees the end from the beginning, a perspective that we do not have.  He knows how things will play out in the end, and His timing is perfect.  It takes in immense amount of faith to say, “Thy will be done.”

Several years ago, I lived on my own, in a small apartment with a roommate that became my best friend.  I was watching conference in April 2005, when the Preach my Gospel manual was introduced to the church. At that time, I felt a strong impression that I needed to go on a mission – a thing I had previously asked about, but received a “no”.  I was puzzled, and nervous, but I determined to do what I had just been prompted.  I prayed to know what I needed to do. 

I met with my Bishop shortly thereafter, and got a packet with the list of things that I needed to do in order to submit my mission papers.  There were a lot of things that I needed to take care of, and each step seemed to take forever! 

I had several health challenges that I was concerned would disqualify me from full-time missionary service, but I pressed ahead, eventually securing a release from my doctor.  I also had bills to pay off, and a car to sell.  Both seemed insurmountable, but I experienced miracles as I sought to keep up my end of the bargain, and prepare for missionary service. 

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, I felt ready.  The timing was still not quite right, though, I soon learned.  My best friend and roommate had been prompted to serve a mission as well, and needed some time to get her preparations underway.  I felt deeply prompted to wait until she was ready.  It was a few months later, in early August of 2006, when we finally turned in our papers.

Our calls were received a week apart, mine first, to the Canada, Calgary mission, and hers to the Florida, Tallahassee mission.  The date for her to enter the MTC was three weeks before mine, putting my report date on November 1, 2006. 

I learned, especially after my untimely return, that the timing for my service was, indeed, inspired and perfect.  The people that I was able to meet on my mission proved to me that it was the proper season for me to be there.  Also, it was a good thing for me to be able to encourage my best friend while she served her mission.  There were opportunities for me to serve her as well, through letters and care packages. 

The Lord’s timing is always perfect, even though we do not always see why at the time.

We often see life as it were from the back side of a tapestry.  We do not see how the beautiful threads are intricately placed, nor do we know what the final design will be.  We only see the knotted ends of thread and the criss cross of the stitches.  Surely what we see cannot be a beautiful and finished cloth, worthy of hanging.  But it is.  God sees all with His perfect, eternal vision.  He knows where to place the threads, which colors to place next to each other, and where to knot the end.

When our eyes are truly opened, we will see it, too.

I have had the blessing of seeing things differently.  The scriptures tell us to have an eye single to the glory of God.  This means that we must trust, first.  We need to give up our way of seeing and thinking, to someone who knows and sees more than we do.

Introduction

My life has never been easy.  I doubt that anyone can honestly say that their lives are.  It is all part of this crazy thing we call our mortal experience!  As I've looked back on my 30 years, I have learned a thing or two about how to deal with the hard times - and how to appreciate the joy as well.

First, I will introduce myself a little bit.  As I said, I am 30 years old.  My name is Cami Isle.  I am the youngest of 5 children, I have 4 older brothers.  I grew up in Las Vegas, and spent a short time on an LDS mission in Calgary, Alberta, Canada.  I met my husband, Dan, in Las Vegas, and shortly after we were married, we moved to Ogden, Utah, where we now live.  Together, we have a son who is almost 8 months old.  I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in 2004, and the diagnosis was confirmed in 2008.  My husband and I struggled with infertility for 3 1/2 years, experiencing 8 miscarriages during that time, before finally conceiving our son, James.

The name of the blog, The Song of a Broken Heart, is a title that came to my mind as I was returning home early from my mission.  The name spoke to me, as that is how I felt - like my heart had broken.  But, I now know that even broken hearts have songs to sing, and broken lives have tales to tell.  

Each post will most likely contain a brief anecdote from my life, as well as the lesson I've learned from it.  Please understand, I have always been a very private person.  This is quite the stretch for me to put my life out there for all to see and judge.  With that said, I ask that your comments be kind.  We all have battles that we face, and for the most part, we face them within the walls of our own minds.  I think we could all be a little kinder to ourselves, and to others we meet along the way.

And so, the journey begins.  

To begin...

This is the story of my life, with all of its imperfections, trials and disappointments.  It also has a lot of good, miraculous and wonderful things, too.  Such is the nature of life in general.

Why do I consider my life to be worthy of anyone's time or attention?  I don't, truthfully.  All I know is what I have felt prompted to do.  Almost 10 years ago, the feeling came to my mind to write about my experiences.  Perhaps it is for someone else's benefit, or maybe it is simply so that I can see God's hand in my life.  I am unsure.

What I do ask for is that if you decide to read on, know that all of the contents are things I am compelled to write by the One who gave me this life and all of its lessons.  I do not write these things to set myself above or apart from anyone.  I do not speak of sacred things lightly.  I simply know what I am commanded to write, and that is all.  Take it for what you will.

As a disclaimer, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  I have no position of leadership, and I do not speak for the Church on any matters.  The posts following contain my own thoughts and experiences, and are not official doctrine.